Synopsis: Empathy is one of the best approaches parents can use to help their kids when they struggle emotionally. Providing empathy maintains parental authority without giving up or giving in. At the same time, it strengthens relationships between kids and their parents, and kids learn essential emotional regulation skills.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD / 5.20.24; No. 71 / 8 min read
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor, and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
The angry dance
My wife, Krista, was helping our daughter, Lucy, cope with her anger one day. Lucy was a preschooler and having an anger episode when Krista said, “Wow! I can see you’re really angry! How about we do an angry dance so you can show me exactly how angry you are?”
Lucy was open to doing an angry dance. She grimaced as she stomped her feet and pumped her arms up and down for about 30 seconds. Krista danced in a way that matched Lucy’s angry little dance. Then, Lucy abruptly stopped dancing, and her expression brightened as she said, “Now I’m going to do a happy dance!” All parents wish for things to go that well when their kids are upset.
Shouldn’t love be enough?
Imagine for a moment that you are really good at showing love to your child and speaking to their heart using their love languages. Is love alone enough? Can you just stop there when it comes to parenting? Some parents believe that parenting starts and stops with love. It’s common for parents to say either to themselves or others, “I love my child, and I provide for them. That’s enough.” And I think it’s great when parents provide for kids and are sensitive to speaking their child’s love languages. But it’s also important for kids to feel understood. Showing love to kids is the beginning of parenting, not the only necessary ingredient.
It turns out that kids also need empathy. And a lot of it. I’m not talking about babying children. I’m talking about helping them through their most difficult times. Kids experience empathy when they are:
Being heard
Being understood
Being respected
Being valued
Being accepted
When kids receive empathy, they rebound from hard times and return to being at their best. Every parenting expert worth their salt drives home the importance of empathy in everything they say. Having studied parenting interactions in a laboratory setting, here is what the top parenting researcher, Dr. John Gottman, said in his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:
“In my research, I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often have attitudes toward their own and their children’s emotions that got in the way of them being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. But while love by itself was not enough, channeling that caring into some basic skills that parents practiced as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion was enough. The secret lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.”
Empathy is not helpful at all times and in all activities. The goal of using empathy is not to weaken your child as they deal with a harsh world. Rather, empathy is there to rebalance them when they are really struggling. It helps them get back to their best selves as quickly as possible. Providing empathy doesn’t let your children off the hook for misbehavior, rudeness, or poor effort. In the same breath that the best parenting experts recommend empathy, they also recommend rules and boundaries for kids. In a way, showing empathy helps your kids get back to following rules and expectations as quickly as possible.
Adapt and use the strategies that work best for you
How I help kids and families in my clinical practice is to get to know kids and parents well. Then, we can begin to see what strengths each person brings to the table, what skills need to be learned, and what strategies are likely to be the most effective. That’s a big reason why I like creative parenting ideas, not systems. If you know yourself and your child well, you can try new ideas that you think will work the best—it will help you to be more creative and flexible as a parent. While parenting experts can point to tools that might help, you are the expert on your child.
Parenting systems won’t work for all kids, especially those who routinely struggle. Empathy, not a rigid parenting protocol, will yield the greatest benefit when kids are upset. Raising children is not like assembling a piece of furniture you bought online. You are dealing with another conscious and emotional living being. And our kids need our help learning how to manage their emotions, so they can make sense of their experiences.
Giving empathy is not about caving in to your kid’s demands
When you empathize, you are not required to do whatever your child demands. In fact, it’s best not to cave in to their demands. Empathy is not buying a screaming or demanding child a toy at the store. Empathy is helping kids, in a gentle and understanding way, to cope with their emotions, especially when they are not getting their way.
The core elements of empathy usually involve understanding and helping to say out loud what your child is feeling and what they are thinking. You are using your communication skills to help them work through their emotions. It involves reflective language and tends to be the most effective if you are a bit careful at the beginning to help get them talking. Here is an example of a parent’s attempt at empathy that backfires:
Son (crying)
Father Why are you sad?
Son (cries louder and shouts) I’m not sad!
Father Okay. Why are you crying?
Son (shouts) Leave me alone!
You can see from the example above that a father who wanted to help his son was trying to show some empathy. He might have guessed right or wrong about how his son felt, but the main difficulty is that he jumped on the emotion a little too quickly. Sometimes, guessing a child’s emotions works out fine, and then that opens up a conversation. At other times, kids escalate. Here is the same example where the father takes a slower approach with his son and gets more information before offering empathy. This time, the dad uses reflective language until he feels he is on safe ground to validate his son’s emotions.
Son (crying)
Father Hey, buddy, what happened?
Son (shouts) Nothing!
Father (reasonable tone of voice) Oh…okay…
Son (continues to cry)
Father I was just wondering…because I noticed that you might be feeling upset. That’s all.
Son (shouts) Joe’s not inviting me to his birthday party!
Father Joe’s not inviting you to his birthday party. I’m sorry. I remember you mentioning that you wanted to go.
Son He’s just mad at me because I wouldn’t share my markers with him in class today. He said, “Fine! Keep your stupid markers! You can’t come to my birthday party!”
Father So, Joe’s mad at you over the markers and then said you couldn’t come to his birthday party.
Son I hate him!
Father And now you hate him. It sounds to me like you are angry. You were looking forward to the party. That sounds frustrating and disappointing. I’m not sure, but I’m wondering if you might also feel a little sad over the whole thing.
Son Yeah…
Father (gives his son a hug) I’m sorry, buddy. I can see that this is hard. And the whole thing has left you feeling angry and sad. So, when’s the party?
Son Saturday.
Father Do you still want to go?
Son Yeah.
Father Well, I could call Joe’s parents or something and see if you guys can work it out.
Son Nah. I’ll see him tomorrow in class.
There are a few things to note in the example above. The first is that the father did a great job using the words “I noticed” rather than “why,” which can feel critical or confrontational to kids. The father also used reflective language until his son started sharing what was going on. Reflective language involves repeating back what the person just said while using a reasonable tone of voice.
The father took his time to make sure that he understood and could help his son name his emotions out loud and state the disappointment that he felt. He also wisely did not point out that his son’s behavior of not sharing led to being disinvited from the party—there was no lecturing or “I told you so.” Interestingly, the dad also took a risk. He offered to solve the problem, which is not required when offering empathy. In fact, attempting to solve problems too quickly tends to escalate kids or leave them feeling like their concerns are being dismissed. I think it’s great that after he felt validated, the son was able to figure out what he was going to do next.
General strategies for providing empathy
When kids are upset, they often behave completely irrationally or inappropriately. Unfortunately, pointing that out to them is usually the least helpful thing you could do while they are still struggling to calm down. Showing empathy is not saying that everything your kids think, feel, or do is always appropriate. When kids are upset, their situation is valid from their perspective. Providing empathy mainly helps them to feel that their emotions are valid so that they can calm down enough to think.
It’s hard to think when we’re not calm. Naming our feelings helps us to tame our emotions. Once our emotions are calm, we are much better able to think. If you struggle with empathy statements, I’ve included a little chart below that has some examples. I’ve also included statements that people sometimes make that are not helpful (please avoid using those statements with your kids or anyone else).
Image: Empathy Statements vs. Dismissive Statements by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Providing empathy to kids doesn’t come naturally to all parents, and that’s okay! We all come from different places and have had different experiences growing up. A lot of parents are used to dispensing advice. Showing empathy might take more practice to develop that skill into a reflex, especially when kids are in the middle of expressing intense emotions. If providing empathy feels too hard or foreign, I would encourage you to work with a family therapist to build your empathy skills. If you do, it will help you in all your relationships, not just your relationship with your child.
You can make empathy your new parenting superpower
Showing empathy is not something you need to do in all interactions, but it can be a powerful strategy when your child is really upset. Kids can struggle tremendously in managing their emotions, but receiving empathy can help them make sense of their feelings and their circumstances. Sometimes, all it takes is for kids to be heard to feel understood. It does not let them off the hook for following rules or taking care of their responsibilities, and there is no need to solve problems immediately when providing empathy. Empathy is enough. Kids can better sort out what they need to do to solve a problem or fix a situation when they feel calm, understood, and accepted. When children are calm, they are also more open to your advice. Think about how you can use empathy to support your kids today!
For further reading, check out:
Len’s Article, “Riding Out the Storm: Dealing with Your Child’s Anger Outbursts”
Len’s Article, “Controlling Your Emotions in Parenting: Helping Yourself First”
Len’s Article, “Conveying Love in Parenting”
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman (see Len’s Book Review)
Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott (see Len’s Book Review)
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