Synopsis: All kids have anger outbursts at some point. If you find yourself frustrated by these outbursts or helpless in creating positive change, you might need to consider a different strategy. Sometimes the best course of action when your child is upset is to give them some time and space to calm down. This article addresses strategies for supporting your child to calm themselves down during anger outbursts, without your immediate intervention, which can make the situation worse.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 1.31.24; No. 69 / 7 min read
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor, and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Pressing the pause button on your child’s temper tantrum
Do you ever wish you could do that? That you actually had a remote control and could just press pause – even for a moment – to collect your thoughts and calm down before having to deal with your kid’s emotional meltdown? If you ever feel that way, please know that you are not alone. Many parents feel this way. What makes it even harder to help our kids when they are yelling, crying, moaning, or thrashing around is that when you ask them something reasonable like, “What’s the matter?”, they can’t tell you why. Or their reasons make no sense to you.
To top it off, when our kids are exploding, we often have a sense that we are supposed to do something – immediately. We feel pressured to help them in their suffering. We want peace and quiet. We think that we are somehow failing as parents, which amplifies feelings of shame, frustration, and doubt.
Teachable moments and anger outbursts
There is this idea of a “teachable moment” in parenting lore. It goes something like this: a teachable moment is an opportune/unplanned moment in time when a parent can communicate their values or an important truth to their child when their child is most receptive to adopting those values or learning that truth.
The problem is that teachable moments are very misunderstood.
Parents have commonly been led to believe that every moment is a teachable moment in which the parent is required to be the teacher and provide direct and immediate intervention. Let me be clear, you don’t always have to be your child’s “teacher” – or their therapist, for that matter. Here are some things to know about teachable moments and children:
Teachable moments do not always require another person – kids can and do learn many things by working through experiences without the help of anyone else.
Teachable moments do not always require the parent to be the teacher – kids can learn from other kids, adults, animals, nature, books, etc.
Teachable moments do not always require direct intervention – parents can supervise a situation without intervening and responsibly observe their child grapple and eventually cope with that situation.
Teachable moments do not always require immediate intervention – kids often have a very hard time learning while they are upset or in the middle of a distracting activity, but children often spend a lot of time thinking later about situations they’ve experienced to gain understanding and assign meaning.
If you are a big fan of teachable moments, please consider that teachable moments might require you to take a step back from the situation if you want to help your child learn to manage their emotional outbursts.
You can help your child once you learn to ride out the storm of their meltdowns
Kids get upset for a myriad of reasons, often over things that you believe are completely mundane. Kids frequently get upset over things so small that parents convince themselves that there is no reason or trigger for the anger. Your child might be upset because you said “no” to McDonald’s on the way home from school. They might be mad the second you tell them to brush their teeth and get ready for bed at night. They may scream at you for waking them up in the morning for school. So, what can you do about this?
In my role as a pediatric psychiatrist, I talk a lot with kids and their parents about these situations. One pattern that I’ve seen among many parents of irritable kids, is that once the child blows up, the parent reacts too quickly. I see parents making the error of “Don’t just stand there. Do something!” and so they try many different strategies in an attempt to get the child to calm down faster. A parent might ask numerous questions, tell the child to stop yelling (or even yell at the child to do so), inform the child that there is “no reason” to be upset, or threaten consequences if they don’t calm down quickly. Why do we as parents do this? While there are many possible reasons why parents intervene when kids are upset, here are some of the most common:
Feeling responsible for actively teaching your child emotional regulation skills
Feeling that your child is not being reasonable
Feeling disrespected by your child
Feeling embarrassed
Feeling angry at your child, yourself, or both
Feeling guilty and ashamed
Feeling like a failure as a parent
Feeling overwhelmed with an intense desire to make your child stop
Because of their own emotional responses, parents oftentimes feel compelled to react to their child’s meltdown and do something—anything—to get them to calm down ASAP. Unfortunately, kids learn virtually no new skills when they are upset, and neither do you. Reacting too quickly when kids are upset typically backfires. As often as not, intervening too early can fuel or intensify the anger outburst. The child is already feeling upset. Whether or not they are already angry at their parent, the moment a parent steps in to get them to calm down can result in the parent becoming the target of the anger.
Things often worsen at this point. Once kids become convinced that their parent is as mad at them as they are at the parent, the anger outburst becomes prolonged and can degenerate into a series of arguments that span the entire day. Does this sound like something you deal with? If so, then you might become a much happier parent if you try the opposite strategy when your child gets angry: “Don’t just do something. Stand there.”
Start the stopwatch on your phone when your child gets upset
In a nutshell, that’s one of the first strategies you can use to ride out the storm of your child’s anger outburst. As long as your child is not completely out of control (dangerous or destructive), it is completely reasonable for you to select the proactive parenting strategy of timing the duration of the anger outburst.
Note: Do not record the anger outburst on video as this worsens anger outbursts by humiliating the child.
Why would you time the duration of anger outbursts? Well, you need data. Parents often overestimate the duration of their child’s anger outbursts (and children notoriously underestimate the duration). By the way, you don’t have to be in the same room as your child when you are timing the duration of their outburst, especially if they are being rude or if you think your presence is agitating them.
If you take the steps to learn – sort of like a research scientist – how long it takes your child, on average, to calm themselves down without assistance, then you will have the information you need in order to determine what to do about it. In the rare event that your child is routinely having anger outbursts lasting over an hour (in response to one trigger), it’s a good idea to have them assessed for a mood disorder. More commonly, the duration of anger outbursts for kids lasts from a few minutes to around 15 minutes. Get data first. The potential side benefit is that you might just witness that your kids can calm themselves down if you give them the time and space to do so.
Some parents would not be able to tolerate letting their child yell or cry for longer than a few seconds. If this sounds like you, you might decide to set a timer on your phone for 5 minutes once your child becomes upset. Once the timer goes off, you are then free to intervene in your usual manner. What is the purpose of this strategy?
It helps you to set healthy boundaries with yourself to ensure that you are not intervening too early.
It allows your child time to learn to self-soothe.
It will allow you to see how often your child can regulate their own emotions without your help.
You might be surprised how often your child can calm down without your help. At some point in their development, your children need to learn the skill of emotional self-regulation. You can allow them to practice.
What if my child is completely out of control?
Obviously, if your child is putting themselves in danger, damaging property, or attempting to harm themselves or someone else, there is a need for you to immediately intervene (sometimes physically). If this happens more than once, it’s often time for you to schedule a meeting with your child’s pediatrician or involve professional mental health support.
Sometimes kids are not physically dangerous during an anger outburst but they are disrespectful/abusive in some other way, such as shouting curse words, calling you names, or saying they hate you. Parents differ in terms of whether they feel they need to intervene at that moment (such as threatening consequences) or just deliver consequences later when the child is calm. If every time a child receives a consequence it triggers another emotional meltdown, it’s time for parents to involve professional help.
Additional benefits of being slow to react to your child’s anger
Being slow to react to your child’s anger will allow to you begin to see the triggers of your child’s anger more clearly. If your child commonly reacts to certain triggers, then you might be able to have greater empathy for them when they predictably become upset over something. If your child sees that you are calm even after they blow up when you say no, they’ll learn that you are intentional and firm in your parenting decisions. They will respect you more, even if they are not willing to admit it. If you know the general time it takes for your kids to calm down when upset, you’ll feel less anxious when they get angry. Lastly, if you are not engaging with them every time they get upset, you are less likely to be in conflict with them the entire day.
You can help your child learn to regulate their emotions without attempting to control every outburst
The simple strategy of riding out the storm of your child’s anger outburst can yield tremendous benefits. Imagine how relieved you’ll feel as you see your child learn to self-regulate without requiring you to intervene every time. And you’ll understand your child better. The strategy of observing, delaying, and/or timing the anger outburst does not work for every situation, but it’s a great place to start. You might just surprise yourself with how well and how quickly your kids learn to self-soothe. It feels great to have fewer conflicts over your child’s anger outbursts and be able to no longer feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them. In the end, you’ll both be happier.
For further reading, check out:
Len’s Article, “Controlling Your Emotions in Parenting: Helping Yourself First”
Len’s Article, “Conveying Love in Parenting”
Len’s Article, “Building Independence: Teaching Your Child When and How to Ask for Help”
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