Image: Childhood by Matla Brand (CC0)
Synopsis: Most parents love their kids tremendously, but it can sometimes feel like there is a disconnect or uncertainty in whether kids actually experience that love. This article addresses the role of effectively conveying love as a core tenet of parenting.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 2.27.23; No. 65 / 9 min read
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
An eye-opening experience
I was sitting down at my computer the other day because I decided that I wanted to continue writing about effective approaches to parenting. To get my creative juices flowing, I decided to do a little internet search. I was looking for the top internet searches on parenting to find out what information parents wanted to know, so I typed “How can I get my child” – and my heart sank at the first phrase Google auto-populated: “to stop hating me.”
Well, that made me feel sick to my stomach and it was right before our family went out for dinner together. I shared my experience over dinner, and we started wondering if people really were looking up these phrases on the internet. My daughter grabbed her phone and entered a search phrase “How to get my mother” and Google supplied the rest: “to love me.” Taken aback, she then tried the search phrase “How to get my father” and Google supplied the rest of the phrase “to love me.” We guessed that these were frequent teenage searches, so I decided to try it. I entered “How to get my mother” and Google supplied the rest of the phrase “into a nursing home!” In full disclosure (and before you rat me out to my mother), I have not been searching for information on nursing homes. While my daughter and I have not been searching for answers to these questions, people in our respective age groups probably are.
The love disconnect
If it’s true that a sizeable number of kids are not perceiving love from their parents, then I think we need to ensure that our parenting approaches include something very basic: the communication of love. Are we as parents effectively conveying our love to our children? I don’t mean for any of this to sound critical or accusatory. I ask myself these same questions. It’s one thing to love your children with lots of hugs and kisses and, hopefully, you do. However, it’s important to consider whether you are conveying your love for them in a manner that they can see it, hear it, and feel it the most.
Books have been written about conveying love to your kids. Some of the best known are The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell (see Len’s Book Review) and How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell (see Len’s Book Review). The first book does a great job of explaining that each person has a different love language, a preferred way of understanding and receiving love. You might have a different love language than your child. Have you ever done something really nice for your child only to have it blow up in your face? Not speaking your child’s love language could have been one of the reasons why. The second book gives some very concrete ways of conveying love to kids beyond saying, “I love you.” Many of the suggestions involve nonverbal communication of love.
The way you express your love as a parent (and want to receive it) is important. But if you want your significant other and your kids to know the full measure of your love for them, you might need to intentionally communicate your love for them in the way it resonates best for them. If you ever wonder “Whose love language matters most?” in conveying love to your child, the answer is theirs.
Conveying love effectively is probably one of the best and most important starting points in parenting and developing a healthy and enduring relationship with your child.
What does research have to say about parental love and effective parenting?
Very little. While there are many useful research findings on parent-child relationships, most of the research on parenting and parental love centers on childhood well-being and outcomes through the lens of parent-child bonding/attachment, rather than parental efficacy studies. Here are some of the findings:
Early child-parent attachment/bonding and warmth positively affect the child’s mental health well into adulthood. (Maselko, et al. J Epidemiol Community Health. 2011)
Parental warmth and affection provided in early childhood are associated with a lower risk of physical illnesses with effects lasting into adulthood. (Carroll, et al. PNAS. 2013)
Early maternal sensitivity is associated with improved social and academic competence into adulthood. (Raby, et al. Child Development. 2015)
Physical contact that is more affectionate (and less punishing) is positively associated with childhood feelings of well-being and moral development. (Narvaez, et al. Psicologia: Reflexão e Crítica. 2019)
People who felt loved by parents/caregivers in childhood had lower odds of lifetime suicidal thoughts compared to those who did not perceive love in childhood. (Susukida, et al. Psychiatry Research. 2016)
Maybe the subject of parental love as it relates to effective parenting is just too complex to study. We have plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest that conveying love to your child is a core element of your effectiveness as a parent. Consider this statement:
Kids who feel good act good.
In my 20+ years of working with kids and parents, I have found that statement to be generally true for most kids, most of the time. It’s not saying that kids who misbehave are not feeling loved, but it helps kids and their parents to have a more stable footing in their relationship when love is effectively conveyed. Kids who have a strong sense that they are loved feel more secure, have more positive feelings toward their parents, and have a greater sense of emotional well-being.
Comparing independent research and the 5 Love Languages
If the research on parental love is limited, then we need a framework for learning how to effectively convey our love to our children. While I’m not aware of any research that directly looks at the accuracy of The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, there is independent research that supports the 5 Love Languages (5LL) categories in couples research (Bland and McQueen. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. 2018). Drs. Chapman and Campbell use the same 5LLs for kids as they do for adults:
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of Service
I also found two recent research articles that might shed some light on the accuracy of 5LL for children. In one article by Sabey and colleagues, researchers interviewed 52 families of children (ages 3-7) and found that the children perceived love along 5 different categories (Sabey, et al. Family Process. 2018):
Playing or doing activities together
Demonstrating affection (physical and verbal)
Creating structure
Helping or supporting
Giving gifts or treats
In the other article by McNeely and Barber, the researchers surveyed and studied 4,300 adolescents (ages 14-17) from 12 different nations and found 5 different categories of perceived love (McNeely and Barber. Journal of Adolescent Research. 2010):
Emotional and companionate support (affection and encouragement)
Moral guidance and advice (modeling/teaching moral behavior)
Instrumental support (buy/provide necessities and things I want, help me)
Allow freedoms (watching tv, using a cell phone)
Show respect or trust
If we sort the findings of the two groups of researchers and the 5LLs, you can see many similarities.
Image: 5LLs vs. research on parental love by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
I have to say that my respect for Drs. Chapman and Campbell went up a notch after seeing the alignment of their astute clinical observations with research that was performed decades after their books were published. Sabey and colleagues pointed out in their paper that “most of these related concepts appear to describe behaviors that parents enact aimed at helping their children feel love and affection, which is consistent with [David M.] Buss’s (1988) statement that ‘love is not simply a state; love acts.’” (R. J. Sternberg & M. L. Barnes (Eds.), The Psychology of Love. 1988)
The nuts and bolts of conveying love
I’m going to provide you with some rules of thumb for conveying love to your kids. I believe that Drs. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell did us a big favor by creating strategies and frameworks for discussing and improving our communication of love to our children, but their advice does not take us the entire way. Here are some ideas of where to start:
Use your child’s love language: If you don’t instinctually know your child’s love language(s), consider reading The 5 Love Languages of Children.
It’s a quick and easy read that will help you explore your own love language and will help you in all of your close relationships. The book also contains suggested activities for each love language and a “Love Languages Mystery Game” to help you learn from your child about their primary love languages.
Be focused when showing love: Love does not multi-task
When you are communicating love to your child, it’s important to be near them, share your positive nonverbal love and affection (positive eye contact, positive physical contact), not be distracted by other people or other tasks, and not mix your expression of love with your other needs for your child (non-related instructions or information).
Love has no “buts”: Love does not send mixed signals
I wrote an entire article (Positive Communication with Kids) on the problems of sending kids mixed signals. Don’t do it. Especially when you are conveying love to your kids, it is not the time to tell them how frustrating they can be, give them gifts with strings attached, or guilt trip them into reciprocating something special you did for them.
Develop the habit of conveying love: Sharing love daily is not too often
Speaking your child’s love language regularly does not mean buying them toys or giving them a cookie every day, even if their love language primarily is receiving gifts. Kids can receive your love in other ways than gifts alone, however, sharing your love with them often involves a little bit of your time. What habits or routines can you develop to intentionally show your love to your child every day?
Look at other resources: If you are trying to figure out things to do with your kids, consider reading some of my other parenting articles.
I’ve written many articles on positive and creative activities and parenting strategies. Some of my most popular articles are:
A note to fathers
Most parenting research focuses on mothers and children (and it is not uncommon for children to express feeling especially close to their mothers), so fathers might need to be especially proactive in figuring out what the most effective means are for them to convey their love to their children. One researcher pointed out that fathers might express love differently with their children (Palm. Journal of Family Theory & Review. 2014). If you think that there might be a discrepancy between how you are attempting to show love (for example, working long hours to provide for your family) and how your kids are receiving it, it’s time for you to reassess your strategy. Check in periodically with your kids and make sure you are speaking their love language so that they really know how much you love them.
You can convey love effectively to your child
Parenting can be one of the best and most rewarding things you ever do. It can also be one of the most challenging and frustrating things you’ve ever imagined. Effectively conveying your love for your child is a wonderful foundation to build your relationship with your child and establish your parenting style. You can know with certainty that they understand – at a very deep level – how much you love them. Love won’t solve all your problems as a parent, but it will help. It will help both you and your child get through tough times together with your relationship intact and it will help your relationship stand the test of time. If you are not already doing it, start intentionally speaking your child’s love language today!
For further reading, check out:
Len’s Article, “Special Time – the Most Fun You’ll Have as a Parent”
Len’s Article, “The Magic Wish Game – Granting Wishes When Your Pockets are Empty”
Len’s Article, “The Drawing Game – the Anywhere Strategy for Bored Kids”
Len’s Article, “Positive Communication with Kids”
The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell (see Len’s Book Review)
How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell (see Len’s Book Review)
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