Image: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 10 out of 10. The best book on parenting.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 1.31.2020; No. 7
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Star Rating – 10 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Author
John Gottman
About the author
Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist, researcher and expert on relationships, in particular marriage and parenting.
General description
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child helps parents observe and improve the quality of emotional interactions with their children. The book differentiates effective from ineffective parenting and is filled with helpful advice and strategies for parents to equip their children with the skills they need to move through childhood and into adulthood.
Unique and most important aspects
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is probably the best book ever written on parenting. I have read other good books on parenting that essentially look like a re-write of this book. John Gottman inspires and educates people to be better parents and, in turn, better people. There are many helpful strategies in this book. Even if you had parents who were poor role models, you can become an excellent parent and help your child become more emotionally intelligent by practicing the advice in this book.
Important ideas from this book:
Describes the 5 steps of the Emotion Coaching approach
Being aware of the child’s emotions
Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings
Helping the child verbally label emotions
Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve
Includes self-tests that the reader can use to gain insight about themselves and their children
Defines 4 styles of parenting
The dismissing parent
The disapproving parent
The laissez-faire parent
The emotion coach
Describes additional parenting pitfalls and assorted proactive parenting approaches
Best quotes
“In my research, I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often have attitudes toward their own and their children’s emotions that got in the way of them being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. But while love by itself was not enough, channeling that caring into some basic skills that parents practiced as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion was enough. The secret lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.”
“That’s because good parenting requires more than intellect. It touches a dimension of the personality that’s been ignored in much of the advice dispensed to parents over the past 30 years. Good parenting involves emotion.”
“Empathy not only matters; it is the foundation of effective parenting.”
Who would enjoy this book?
Any adult or parent who wants to become more effective in parenting and teaching their children resiliency and healthy emotional regulation.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Parents who struggle with too much information or too many suggestions might not enjoy Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. This book has basic recommendations, but the concepts take time to grasp. People who want just a few concrete strategies might not enjoy this book and would be better off reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.
Conclusion
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is the gold standard that all other parenting books are measured against. The parents who learn and apply the concepts of this book will strengthen their child’s emotional health, resiliency and intelligence.