Controlling Your Emotions in Parenting: Helping Yourself First
Synopsis: While children can be quite wonderful, our kids can also pull emotional responses out of us that leave us feeling exhausted and frustrated. This article covers the importance of taking care of your emotional health as a means of enjoying parenting more and increasing your effectiveness as a parent.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD / 3.19.23; No. 66 / 7 min read
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor, and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post might also contain affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
A great reason for taking care of yourself
Many parents sacrifice their own needs for their kids. They’ll go without comforts or even necessities so that they can help their kids as much as possible. This is noble. It’s a way of loving their kids and, possibly, providing for their kids in ways they wish they had experienced as kids themselves. I’ve met so many parents who grew up in poverty or had tough family situations, and these parents want to give a better childhood to their kids. So, they make sacrifices.
There can be a problem with sacrificing for your kids – you can take it too far. Especially if you are neglecting your physical and mental health because of money, time constraints, or being too busy taking care of everyone but yourself. If that sounds like you, I want you to know that you might need to change your approach. Sacrificing your health is a tradeoff that usually does not pay off in the end. Why?
Your kids need you to be healthy. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of them. What’s worse, when your physical and mental health ultimately break down, they will have to take care of you. Lastly, if you are struggling because of your physical and mental health, you are more likely to be irritable and lose control of your anger and anxiety, which can negatively affect your relationship with your kids.
Your emotions are valid. And, frankly, sometimes kids are quite naughty and rude, but when you lose control of your emotions, it becomes much harder to parent. It often leaves you feeling miserable and, sometimes, depressed and guilty. So, while your emotions are valid, not all expressions of emotions are. And when you blow up at your kids, especially if it becomes a pattern, it harms your relationship with them.
Thankfully, there are some basic steps in self-care that you can take to help you get better control of your emotions.
When do you know that you are overdue for some self-care?
If you find that you frequently are irritable (snapping at or criticizing others) or that you are exploding in anger, this is a sign that it’s time to take a step back and look at some of the drivers of anger and irritability. Or, maybe you don’t think that you are having problems but then you hear this from one of your kids or loved ones:
“You’re always yelling” or “You’re always mad at me.”
“You only come to talk to me about negative things.”
“You always have a migraine.”
“You’re never here” or “You’re always at work.”
“You’re always in bed depressed or in pain.”
“You drink too much” or “You’re high all the time.”
“Can you not cry when I talk to you?”
If you already know you are out of balance, or you have been receiving feedback from your kids and loved ones that you are not doing well, then you should consider what might be causing these problems and do something effective about them.
There are numerous reasons why others might be providing you feedback about needed change, but most are related to your interactions with them (i.e., if you are yelling a lot), your physical health (i.e., if you are burnt out from work or struggling with pain), and your emotional health (i.e., if you are struggling with your mental health or an addiction).
If the people in your life are giving you this type of feedback, you are overdue for self-care. It’s time to take a deep breath, listen, and decide to take positive action in your physical and mental health – because the important people in your life are telling you that it’s taking a toll on your relationship with them. Besides, parenting is a lot of work. Your job as a parent should not always be to give, give, give. Taking care of yourself must be one of your top priorities.
Take the time to charge up your batteries
It takes a lot of energy to be a parent, so it’s important to regularly take time to care for yourself and restore your energy and your outlook. You can improve your sense of well-being, and self-care will help you to feel your best. What gives you the most energy in life? Here is just a short list of things you might consider doing to nurture yourself:
Get enough sleep
Exercise
Embrace solitude through alone time
Pray or meditate
Spend time in positive social activities
Engage in activities that make you smile/laugh
Schedule (and then take) a vacation
Get a massage
Relax in a sauna, hot tub, or bath
Get out into nature
Sing or play music
Read for pleasure
Do any of these activities appeal to you? Is there something else you would add to this list? I would encourage you to write down your own list of 5 or more activities that routinely lift you up. When you are feeling low, demoralized, or frustrated, it’s probably time for you to pick something from the list and do a restorative activity.
What if it’s more complicated than that?
If some of the problems you are facing are not easily solved with regular self-care, then I would encourage you to start taking proactive, incremental steps to address whatever situation you are facing. I realize that solving some of these problems might not be easy, but, as a starting point, you could meet with your primary care physician if you are having a health problem or a therapist/counselor if you are struggling with your mood or anxiety. Getting help from a trusted person is a great way to start finding solutions or making progress in complex situations. The goal is to take the first step and push past avoidance of change when you know you need to fix a problem (see Len’s article, “What to Do When You Know Why You Are Depressed”).
If you don’t know why you are angry or irritable or just feel like you could just use some pointers in anger management, it would be simple enough to schedule a few sessions with a therapist to explore why and learn some anger management skills. Taking care of yourself and managing your emotions helps everywhere – not just at home. It can help you in all of your relationships and help you and your loved ones live a fuller life.
Pay close attention to irritability and anger as a parent
I have observed that irritability and anger outbursts are some of the least helpful emotional reactions when parenting. So, when you are engaging in self-care for your mental and physical health, the hope is that you will be improving your baseline mood and decreasing your likelihood of responding with anger/irritability.
What is it about anger and irritability that causes so many problems? Well, anger responses derail a lot of social interactions. An angry or irritable response can quickly ruin a family meal, dampen fun activities, and cast a shadow over a special occasion or a vacation. Also, many parents who lose control of their anger wish they didn’t and end up feeling sad or depressed as a result.
Anger also decreases your problem-solving, creativity, and flexible thinking as a parent. As soon as anger starts increasing, your ability to handle situations well starts decreasing. Another significant problem is that when you lose control of your emotions, your kids lose respect for you. I understand that they might cower at first, but over time, they also feel overly empowered by their ability to push your buttons and manipulate you into an angry or tearful outburst.
Consider using relationship repair
No parent is perfect, and this includes me too. I have lost control of my emotions at times in my relationships. So, what do you do in these situations? You utilize relationship repair: wait until you are calm, resist the urge to re-argue the argument, let the other person know you value them and that your relationship with them is important, and let the other person know that you regret losing control of your emotions and that you are sorry if this hurt their feelings.
You might be asking yourself at this point, “What if they’re in the wrong and I’m in the right?” Well, relationship repair is about repairing the relationship, not reversing an appropriate position on something or giving someone something just because they got upset. You can still engage in relationship repair without saying, “This is all my fault” or “I was entirely in the wrong.” However, you can make amends in the relationship, and the sooner you do it, the better.
It's worth noting that some people don’t like the concept of relationship repair. They might believe that it is okay to explode at other people once in a while and that relationship repair just shows weakness. If this sounds like you, I would encourage you to rethink that position. Otherwise, you likely will be causing significant harm to your relationships. What’s more important to you? Being “right” or having good relationships?
Self-care is a wonderful thing to do as a parent
Taking care of yourself is a great starting point for controlling your emotions in parenting, and you’ll love the results. You will be a happier person, and all of your relationships will likely be better. Make sure to develop your own list of activities that charge up your batteries. Also, working with a trusted person, such as a doctor or therapist, is an excellent place to begin finding solutions to more complex problems. You will be healthier as you deal with physical and emotional problems that previously stole your energy and your joy, and you will begin to see hope where you didn’t see it before. You can build your confidence and resilience for the inevitable stresses and frustrations in parenting and life in general. Parenting is more effective when you keep your cool and your thinking remains clear and adaptable. You can improve your emotional reactions as a parent, and it starts with caring for yourself today!
For further reading, check out:
Len’s Article, “Positive Communication with Kids”
Len’s Article, “Conveying Love in Parenting”
Len’s Article, “Changing Your Force Point by Eliminating Bad Habits in Parenting”
Len’s Article, “Is Yelling at a Child the Equivalent of Spanking Their Brain?”
Len’s Article, “What to Do When You Know Why You Are Depressed”
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by Dr. Gottman (See Len’s Book Review)
Between Parent and Child by Dr. Ginott (See Len’s Book Review)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & And Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish (See Len’s Book Review)
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