Image: Between Parent and Child by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 10 out of 10. One of the best books on parenting.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 4.4.2020; No. 12
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Star Rating – 10 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Authors
Haim Ginott (1965 original publication)
Alice Ginott and H. Wallace Goddard (editors of 2003 revised and updated version)
About the authors
Dr. Haim Ginott (1922 – 1973) was a school teacher in Israel who later emigrated to the US and obtained his degree in psychology from Columbia University. He was a clinical psychotherapist, child psychologist, parent educator and originator of some of the best parenting techniques, which are outlined in his writing, leadership and development of parent-education and guidance groups.
Dr. Alice Ginott (1925 – 2015), the spouse of Haim Ginott, obtained a Ph.D. from The New School in New York City and was a noted psychologist, psychotherapist, author and lecturer on parent-child relationships.
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard has a Ph.D. in family and human development from the University of Utah. He created youth development and parenting programs in the state of Arkansas and has authored and co-authored several books on marriage and parenting.
General description
Between Parent and Child is a book written for parents to help them become more effective in raising their children, starting with improved communication. Haim Ginott describes how empathy can be combined with discipline in this straightforward book. He lays the foundation of basic approaches that work to decrease anger outbursts of children while setting limits and teaching them life skills. In Between Parent and Child, Dr. Ginott takes the reader across the landscape of the most effective parenting strategies as well as the most common pitfalls. He explains how parents can:
Use effective, nonharmful communication
Avoid self-defeating parenting patterns
Foster responsibility and independence
Show consistency in limit-setting and discipline
Determine what behavior to ignore
Deal with sibling rivalry
Develop a personal approach to positive parenting
Unique and most important aspects
Dr. Haim Ginott’s work has been used as a springboard by all of the best parenting books – the ones with advice validated by research. He mixes the right blend of empathy, nonjudgmental communication and firmness that are required for effective parenting. The book Between Parent and Child is a gem worth reading. The overarching themes for parents are to start with empathetic communication, control their own emotional responses and then show positive parental leadership. Dr. Ginott not only tells you what works but he also tells you why it works.
Important concepts from this book are for parents to:
Limit praise to evaluative praise
Provide guidance rather than criticism
Appropriately express anger toward their children
Acknowledge that threatening a child is an invitation for them to repeat the behavior
Limit rewards in ways that do not backfire
Refrain from asking a child a question about misbehavior when the parent already knows the answer
Develop a positive parenting roadmap for building their long-term relationship with their child
Foster independence and avoid the destructive pattern of making their child dependent on them
Follow an easy method for setting and enforcing limits
Set the boundary of not allowing children to hit parents or siblings
Best quotes
“Where do we start if we are to improve communication with children? By examining how we respond. We even know the words. We heard our parents use them with guests and strangers. It is a language that is protective of feelings, not critical of behavior.”
“Communication with children should be based on respect and on skill; it requires (a) that messages preserve the child’s as well as the parent’s self-respect; and (b) that statements of understanding precede statements of advice or instruction.”
“Children learn what they experience. They are like wet cement. Any word that falls on them makes an impact. It’s therefore important that parents learn to talk to children in a way that is not enraging, doesn’t inflict hurt, doesn’t diminish their children’s self-confidence, or cause them to lose faith in their competence and self-worth.”
“Parents want to know if the methods advocated in this book are strict or permissive regarding how they relate to discipline. They are strict when dealing with children’s misbehavior. But all feelings, wishes, desires, and fantasies are permissible, be they positive, negative or ambivalent. Like all of us, children cannot help how they feel. At some time they feel greed, lust, guilt, anger, fear, sadness, delight, and disgust. While they cannot choose their emotions, they are responsible for how and when they express them.”
Who would enjoy this book?
Readers who want to go back to the source of nearly all effective parenting advice would likely enjoy Between Parent and Child.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Readers who would be annoyed or offended by the occasional, outdated language (e.g., “we should not hesitate to call a spade a spade”) might not enjoy this book.
Conclusion
Between Parent and Child is an excellent book that explains the strategies of effective parenting and the pitfalls to avoid.