Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 7 out of 10. A helpful book on developing empathy skills and considering opportunities to express empathy to others.

BY LEN LANTZ, MD / 1.27.2023; No. 105

Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.

Star Rating – 7 out of 10

Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow

Authors

Joel Bretscher and Kenneth Haugk

About the authors

Joel Bretscher has been on staff in several roles at Stephen Ministries since 1995 and currently serves as Program Director in developing resources for the organization. He is a presenter at Stephen Ministries training events, the editor of the Stephen Minister Training Manual and Stephen Ministry Leader Manual, and a member of the organization’s leadership team.

Kenneth Haugk is a pastor, clinical psychologist, and teacher. He obtained his PhD in clinical psychology at Washington University and his MDiv from Concordia Seminary. Dr. Haugk founded Stephen Ministries in 1975 and serves as its Executive Director. He has written several books published by the organization that are utilized as resources for training. Stephen Ministries is a non-profit organization with an international outreach in its training of church members to serve as Stephen Ministers (lay ministers) who help people experiencing a setback in life, such as a terminal illness, grief, or divorce. Since the organization began, they have trained over 600,000 people from over 13,000 church members as Stephen Ministers.

General description

The Gift of Empathy is a book on developing empathy and finding opportunities to express empathy to others. Authors Joel Bretscher and Kenneth Haugk share insights they have gained over decades of training Stephen Ministers and supporting struggling church members. The book contains real stories of people providing and receiving empathy at just the right time and the enormous impact something as seemingly small as empathy had on their lives and the meaning they gained from the experiences. Providing empathy is not an intuitive skill for all people. Developing the habit of providing effective empathy has the promise of improving relationships and enriching life experiences. Topics covered in this book include:

• Defining empathy and how it relates to or differs from compassion, sympathy, and validation

• Explaining a two-step general approach to empathy

• Overcoming barriers to empathy and avoiding pitfalls

• Outlining guidelines for empathizing based on existing relationships

  • Spouse

  • Children

  • Parents

  • Siblings

  • Friends

  • Coworkers

Unique and most important aspects

The Gift of Empathy is a short, straightforward book on developing empathy. While it is published by Stephen Ministries, the incorporation of spiritual aspects of empathy are neither frequent nor heavy-handed. One of the biggest strengths of this book is the inclusion of many stories from people involved in Stephen Ministry research (this research cited in the book appears not to have been published in academic journals). The second half of the book was mostly filled with stories and examples of empathy provided by people connected to Stephen Ministries. The reader is likely to finish this book with either a renewed motivation or new skills in sharing empathy with others, so I believe the book delivers on its subtitle, Helping Others Feel Valued, Cared for, and Understood.

In full disclosure, my wife, who is a general psychiatrist, and I were invited to attend a Stephen Ministry training about 20 years ago but we did not continue with the training. After attending the introductory meeting, we realized that since we are professionally trained to meet the needs of the people we would help, it would have the potential to create too many boundary conflicts if we were serving as lay Stephen Ministers. How could we offer help non-clinically without slipping into our professional roles? I think this is a helpful question for anyone to consider when offering to support someone in an area where they have expertise. Thankfully, providing empathy is not a clinical-only intervention. Anyone can (relatively safely) offer empathy to another person. Important ideas from this book:

• Explaining how empathy is a learnable skill

• Steering away from over-identification of emotions in the person you are trying to help

• Providing general guidelines and helpful tips in listening to others and expressing empathy

• Sharing how to provide empathy to someone very different from you

• Expressing empathy without blame or judgment

• Avoiding platitudes or suggestions for fixing the situation

Best quotes

“Pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers defined empathy as the ability to sense the other person’s private world ‘as if it were your own, without ever losing the “as if” quality.’”

“Feelings themselves aren’t good or bad; they just are. Accept without judgment whatever feelings a person may have.”

“Be as nonjudgmental as you can.”

“Each time you cycle through the two empathy actions, the other person will experience a deeper level of care, and you will develop a clearer and clearer understanding of what they are thinking and feeling.”

“Although texting, email, and social media do have their place, the best way to offer empathy is in person.”

“Finally, remember that you cannot resolve someone else’s spiritual struggles yourself.”

Who would enjoy this book?

Readers interested in the topic of empathy and learning to show empathy to others are likely to enjoy The Gift of Empathy.

Who would not enjoy this book?

Readers who are interested in a book on empathy that is more technical or research-focused are unlikely to enjoy The Gift of Empathy.

Conclusion

The Gift of Empathy is a helpful book on developing empathy skills and considering opportunities to express empathy to others.

Buy this book at your local, independently-owned bookstore (or below)

Here is a LINK to this book at Stephen Ministries.