Image: I Shouldn’t Feel This Way by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 9 out of 10. An excellent book that addresses the disconnect and disappointment people often feel between how they desire to think, feel, and act and what frequently happens in real life.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 5.12.2024; No. 120
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor, and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Star Rating – 9 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Author
Alison Cook
About the author
Alison Cook, PhD, is a psychologist and author of three books on integrating Christian faith and psychology. She achieved a master’s degree in counseling from Denver Seminary and her PhD in religion and psychology from the University of Denver. She is the creator and host of a popular podcast called The Best of You, which is also the title of her second book.
General description
I Shouldn’t Feel This Way introduces a strategy for dealing with challenging thoughts and emotions rather than ignoring them or reacting without thinking. Dr. Alison Cook shares her approach, which she has refined in her clinical practice. While a single theoretical treatment philosophy does not define her novel method, its tenets are supported by clinical research modalities. Topics covered in this book include:
Explaining the steps in a Path to Clarity
Name what’s hard.
Frame your reality.
Brave a new path.
Providing examples of a framing process
Facts
Roots
Audit
Mental Messages
Expansion
Sharing the steps of braving a situation, especially when feeling ambivalent
Boundaries
Range
Assertiveness
Vitality
Environment
Unique and most important aspects
I Shouldn’t Feel This Way details Dr. Alison Cook’s approach to helping people face their most distressing thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. This book addresses the disconnect between what we feel we “should” think, feel, and do and our typical reactions. Dr. Cook explains that the sequence of her approach matters just as much as performing each step accurately.
Dr. Cook delivers on the subtitle of her book, Name What’s Hard, Tame Your Guilt, and Transform Self-Sabotage into Brave Action, as she shares stories from her clinical practice on how to use the strategies. The author helps the reader overcome ambivalence and develop a greater acceptance of conflicting emotions and thoughts to break free from the shame and guilt that many feel over discrepancies between their ideals and real life. Additional topics covered in this book include:
Outlining the MEPS check-in tool
Utilizing the Looking Tool
Summarizing thinking traps and providing a Thinking Trap chart
Categorizing toxic behaviors
Using the practice of “Comma, God”
Best quotes
“Each guilt message has a grain of truth in it, which is what makes it so powerful.”
“Each feeling or belief represents a valuable clue. When you remove the guilt and examine the clues, a strange thing happens. You begin to see the big picture—of your emotions, your reactions, your problems, your relationships, your life. But you can’t get that clarity while you’re moving on autopilot. You have to learn to mind your mind.”
“When you’re facing a complicated situation…Pausing to notice This feels complicated or This feels hard is often the very first step in naming. The most important act at this juncture is to give yourself permission to notice what you’re experiencing without shame.”
“When you surrender, you reframe your expectations of yourself. Guilt says, “I’m letting people down,” but surrender says, “I am limited, and I am a beloved of child of God.” Guilt says, “I should be perfect,” but surrender says, “I’m not perfect, and God’s grace is enough.” Guilt says, “I should have done more,” but surrender says, “I gave my best, and I have to trust God with the rest.”
“This inner critic is well intentioned, believe it or not. But its strategies are incredibly unhelpful. It tries to motivate you by holding up other people as the ideal. The problem is the ideal doesn’t really exist.”
“A faith community might encourage you to spiritualize a problem that is not primarily spiritual. For example, a spiritual leader might encourage you to pray harder for God to take away your depression or medical condition instead of helping you find a professional who is trained to help you. Or they might encourage you to love the person harming you instead of helping you to protect yourself.”
“So much of authentic faith is leaning into the paradox that two things really are so very often true.”
“You don’t have to choose between honoring yourself and honoring the God who made you. The choice is a false dichotomy. Instead, you can connect to yourself and to God honestly. You can name what’s hard and claim your hope. You can honor conflicting feelings and honor the depth of your faith.”
Who would enjoy this book?
Readers interested in a faith-oriented approach to dealing with shame, guilt, and conflict over the “shoulds” in life will likely enjoy I Shouldn’t Feel This Way.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Readers looking for a book primarily following a single therapeutic discipline or who would be turned off by a faith-oriented approach are unlikely to enjoy I Shouldn’t Feel This Way.
Conclusion
I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is an excellent book that addresses the disconnect and disappointment people often feel between how they desire to think, feel, and act and what frequently happens in real life.