Image: 1-2-3 Magic by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 5 out of 10. A solid book on behavioral strategies for parents.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 6.30.2021; No. 36
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Star Rating – 5 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Author
Thomas Phelan
About the author
Thomas Phelan, PhD, is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in the Chicago area. In addition to this bestseller, he has written other books on parenting and delivers 1-2-3 Magic seminars to parents and other groups.
General description
1-2-3 Magic is a parenting book that primarily focuses on behavioral approaches, rather than attachment/relational approaches, for getting kids to stop negative behaviors and start positive ones. This book, which was first published in 1995, has been updated several times over the years. In newer editions, Dr. Phelan has moved away from using the word “time-out” due to the negative reaction that many parents have to it, however, much of the book is about how to give time-outs effectively and reduce arguments and explosions between kids and parents. The approaches outlined in the book help parents to be consistent, effective and predictable in their parenting, which in turn helps the majority of kids to stop repeatedly testing house rules and parental instructions. Topics covered in this book include:
Counting to interrupt negative behaviors of children
Ideas for addressing your child’s challenging behavior in public settings
Reducing sibling conflict
Tips on getting kids to start desirable behaviors
Recommendations for routine conflicts, such as chores, family dinner and bedtime
Unique and most important aspects
1-2-3 Magic is currently the most popular book on parenting with behavioral approaches. These approaches work for many kids, however, some children respond better to relational, attachment-based approaches. Dr. Phelan does not minimize the hard role of parenting or the fact that the challenging behavior of kids can be extremely negative at times. He provides many examples of child-parent interactions, including ones that went well and ones where the parent could have been more effective. He explains why some strategies work and others do not. 1-2-3 Magic demonstrates that behavioral approaches are highly effective because they help adults in their own behavioral and emotional control as much as they help kids stop negative behaviors and start positive ones. The primary method described in the book is how to give a child 2 warnings and then a time-out – what the author calls a “rest period” or “BreakTime” – or other consequence. This strategy helps the parent be consistent and maintain self-control.
While the author did not explicitly assign importance to the 3 separate parenting jobs, I would have reversed the order in ranking their importance. Also, I found myself disagreeing with the author that kids typically take pleasure in upsetting their parents. Important features of this book include:
The false notion of the Little Adult Assumption
How to effectively use a time-out in parenting (and examples of ineffective time-outs)
3 separate parenting jobs
Parenting Job 1: controlling obnoxious behavior
Parenting Job 2: encouraging good behavior
Parenting Job 3: strengthening your relationship with your children
The mistake of talking too much when disciplining a child
Best quotes
“1-2-3 Magic is based on the idea that parenting should be looked at as a profession. In other words, some training will make the job much easier. But that training shouldn’t have to take years or involve bringing tons of books home from the library.”
“The overall orientation of 1-2-3 Magic is what you might call ‘dictatorship to democracy.’”
Who would enjoy this book?
Readers who are looking for an established, longer book on behavioral approaches to parenting would likely enjoy 1-2-3 Magic.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Anyone who is adamantly opposed to time-outs is unlikely to enjoy 1-2-3 Magic. Readers who are interested in a more concise book on behavioral strategies in parenting would likely enjoy SOS Help for Parents by Dr. Lynn Clark (See Len’s Book Review).
Conclusion
1-2-3 Magic is a solid book on behavioral strategies for parents.