Image: No Shame by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 9 out of 10. A new standard as an important parenting book that addresses the sexual development and expression of kids in our current culture.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 10.16.2020; No. 20
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Star Rating – 9 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Author
Lea Lis
About the author
Lea Lis, MD, is a pediatric psychiatrist with expertise in sexuality and refers to herself as the Shameless Psychiatrist. She has a private practice (Mindful Kid) in Long Island and has served as an assistant professor at New York University and on the Board of Trustees of the American Psychiatric Association.
General description
No Shame is a parenting book that delves into the topic of sexuality, which has been relatively ignored in most parenting books to date. No Shame goes far beyond just addressing the multiple facets of sexual development and experiences of kids. It also covers many aspects of parenting, helping kids with emotional regulation and relationships with peers and family. In her book, Dr. Lis skillfully expands on her top assertions, which are:
“Anyone can be a good parent.”
“Healthy relationships are critical.”
“Owning your own sexual story will help you have better relationships and be a better parent.”
No Shame addresses issues that kids and parents are dealing with right now with current cultural norms and access to technology and communication. Topics covered in this book include:
Aspects of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Research on child development, including sexual development
Concepts of boundaries, consent and privacy
Relationships, love and self-esteem
Effects of pornography
Managing non-traditional family structures, divorce and new parental relationships
Addressing parental sexual history to more effectively help children in their sexual development
Unique and most important aspects
No Shame successfully addresses a challenging and controversial topic of childhood sexuality. Dr. Lis’ approach is neither hedonistic nor moralizing and her recommendations are factual and logical. Any parent, regardless of religious background or value system, is likely to find useful information in this book. Consider that one of the first subheadings of the book is “Education is not permission.” No Shame is written from the perspective of the best available evidence in medicine, not politics or personal agenda.
Many parenting books briefly mention the importance of a positive approach to parenting. No Shame is one of the few parenting books that shows how to do it. Important concepts from this book include:
Communicating to children that sex can and should be positive and pleasurable
Addressing LGBTQ+ gender issues
Providing scripts for sexual refusal skills
Covering sensitive topics such as oral and anal sex
Outlining strategies for coping with anxiety and other intense emotions
Expanding on hookup culture, the risks of intoxicated sex and sexting
Sharing a CBT thought log and a relaxation script for progressive muscle relaxation
Explaining the when and why of contraception and testing for STIs
Including how to complete a sexual story (past experiences and hopes for the future)
Best quotes
“This book is not just about sexual education; it is about the roles that sex and sexuality play in the healthy development of intimate relationships.”
“The pressure to have sex is real and intense. Educate your teen on the creative ways that girls and boys manipulate each other into doing things they don’t want to do (and of course it’s a manipulation!). Help them not to fall for it.”
Who would enjoy this book?
Readers who desire an approachable, up-to-date parenting book on enhancing their relationship with their child that also helps them educate and support their child in the complex waters of teen relationships and sexuality would likely enjoy No Shame.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Readers who would only approve of an abstinence-only discussion of childhood sexuality might not enjoy No Shame.
Conclusion
No Shame sets a new standard as an important parenting book that addresses the sexual development and expression of kids in our current culture.