Image: No-Drama Discipline by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 9 out of 10. The best parenting book that has been released since 1998. It has a wealth of ideas for parents with a wonderful mixture of neuroscience, general approaches and specific recommendations.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 6.4.2020; No. 19
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Star Rating – 9 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Authors
Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
About the authors
Daniel J. Siegel, MD, is a pediatric psychiatrist, researcher and bestselling author of books on parenting and child emotional development. He is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, Co-director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center and Executive Director of the Mindsight Institute.
Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, is a child psychologist, Director of Parenting for the Mindsight Institute and Child Development Specialist at St. Mark’s School in Altadena, CA. She co-wrote another book, The Whole-Brain Child, with Dr. Siegel.
General description
No-Drama Discipline is a book that expands on the parenting approaches introduced in The Whole-Brain Child. No-Drama Discipline includes larger concepts on parenting as well as specific strategies for dealing with many common problems parents face. This book emphasizes the importance of the relationship between parent and child, leading with empathy and following up with helping children with reasoning and problem-solving skills. The overarching approach in No-Drama Discipline is “connect and direct.” Topics covered in this book include:
Emphasis on teaching children – discipline’s true meaning
Expansion of concepts of the child’s brain, which is “changing”, “changeable” and “complex”
Proof of the case for empathy as the place to start in discipline
Explanation of the parenting approach of Response Flexibility
The idea of changing physical position – getting at eye level or slightly below – and how it can improve a child’s response to your feedback, especially when the child is still upset
Information on solving problems collaboratively with children
Reasoning why spanking is unhelpful and potentially harmful
Unique and most important aspects
No-Drama Discipline is an excellent, comprehensive book on parenting. It encourages parents to get away from one-size-fits-all parenting approaches and it addresses common hang-ups that parents rely on but find to be ineffective. The cartoons are excellent in the way they capture larger concepts and draw the reader's interest through the book. The authors explain some of the most effective, proven parenting strategies while taking it a step further by tying these best practices in parenting to neuroscience. No-Drama Discipline is approachable and filled with many helpful solutions. Important concepts from this book include:
Asking yourself the why, what and how that drove your child’s behavior before reacting to their misbehavior
Developing your own discipline philosophy
Avoiding time-outs, which are unhelpful and often incorrectly done by most parents
Learning about the special role of the brain area of the right temporal-parietal junction (TPJ), which is involved in mentalizing (Theory of Mind)
Understanding “Hebb’s axiom,” which asserts that neurons (and brain circuits) that “fire together, wire together” are a basis for behavioral learning and change
Knowing what to do when a child has a tantrum
Considering giving your child a “do-over” if they say something disrespectful
Starting relationship repair with your child quickly when you make a mistake as a parent
Best quotes
“Effective discipline means that we’re not only stopping a bad behavior or promoting a good one, but also teaching skills and nurturing the connections in our children’s brains that will help them make better decisions and handle themselves well in the future. Automatically.”
“Deep, empathic connection can and should be combined with clear and firm boundaries that create needed structure in children’s lives.”
“So when children feel furious, dejected, ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, or out of control in any other way, that’s when we need to be there for them. Through connection, we can soothe their internal storm, help them calm down, and assist them in making better decisions. When they feel our love and acceptance, when they “feel felt” by us, even when they know we don’t like their actions (or they don’t like ours), they can begin to regain control and allow their upstairs brains to engage again. When that happens, effective discipline can actually take place. Connection, in other words, moves them out of a reactive state and into a state where they can be more receptive to the lesson we want to teach and to the healthy interactions we want to share with them.”
Who would enjoy this book?
Readers who desire an updated, comprehensive parenting book that includes research-based explanations for why certain parenting approaches are effective would likely enjoy No-Drama Discipline.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Readers who are looking for strategies for punishing or delivering consequences to children might not enjoy No-Drama Discipline.
Conclusion
No-Drama Discipline is the best parenting book I’ve found that has been released since 1998. It has a wealth of ideas for parents with a wonderful mixture of neuroscience, general approaches and specific recommendations.