Book Review – I'm OK-You're OK
Image: I’m OK-You’re OK by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 8 out of 10. A thought-provoking and hope-inspiring book on how transactional analysis approaches can improve life and relationships.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD / 9.5.2021; No. 47
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Star Rating – 8 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Author
Thomas Harris
About the author
Thomas A. Harris, MD, (1910 - 1995) was a psychiatrist, served as Chief of Psychiatry in the Navy Department and served as President of the International Transactional Analysis Association. He studied with Dr. Eric Berne, who created the transactional analysis approach.
General description
I’m OK-You’re OK was a book written for laypeople to better understand the approaches of transactional analysis and apply those strategies in their lives. It was published after Dr. Eric Berne’s Games People Play (1964), intending to be less jargon-filled and more accessible to the general public. I’m OK-You’re OK became a bestseller of over 15 million copies. Transactional analysis was originally conceived as a form of group therapy that drew upon Freud’s 3 ego state model, however, it focused on interactions between individuals. It is a treatment modality that draws from psychoanalysis but is not considered to be psychoanalysis. Topics covered in this book include:
The 3 separate personality states of the Parent (“taught concept”), Child (“felt concept”) and Adult (“thought concept”)
The 4 transactional analysis constructs
I’m Not OK – You’re OK
I’m Not OK – You’re Not OK
I’m OK – You’re Not OK
I’m OK – You’re OK
A hopeful message on the potential for meaningful change
Viewing family relationships and societal problems through transactional analysis theory
Unique and most important aspects
I’m OK-You’re OK really surprised me. I kept expecting to find an approach or assertion by the author to contradict more modern approaches in therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). What I found instead were many similarities between transactional analysis and CBT. While CBT is mainly forward-looking (mostly focused on what), transactional analysis involves spending some time looking back to understand why someone has developed the core beliefs they have about themselves, others and the world.
I’m OK-You’re OK was released in 1969 (copyright 1967), so I was expecting to find the language and gender stereotyping to be much more dated than it was. However, there were a couple of brief references to homosexuality in this book that might understandably confuse and bother a reader. This book was written before 1973 when the American Psychiatric Association officially removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses. Additionally, Dr. Harris did not sugarcoat racism in families, so his stark examples of racism in some vignettes might be unsettling to some readers. I did not find this book to be a particularly easy read, but it was very thought-provoking. Important concepts from I’m OK-You’re OK include:
The construct of the Parent, in which a person has recorded thousands of memories of others essentially telling them (since early childhood) that they are Not OK
The construct of the Child, in which a person, from early childhood, has recorded their internal experiences of everything they have seen, felt, heard and understood
The construct of the Adult, which tests the validity of data from the Parent and updates Child data to balance emotional expression, thus moving to a belief of I’m OK-You’re OK
3 things that make people want to change
They hurt sufficiently
Ennui (boredom or a slow form of despair)
The sudden discovery that they can change
The phenomena of games that people engage in that are driven by their need to distract themselves from feeling Not OK
A view of moral and religious values from a transactional analysis perspective
Best quotes
“It is called Transactional Analysis. It has given hope to people who have become discouraged by the vagueness of many of the traditional types of psychotherapy. It has given a new answer to people who want to change rather than to adjust, to people who want transformation rather than conformation. It is realistic in that it confronts the patient with the fact that he is responsible for what happens in the future no matter what has happened in the past. Moreover, it is enabling persons to change, to establish self-control and self-direction, and to discover the reality of a freedom of choice.”
“Through the Adult the little person can begin to tell the difference between life as it was taught and demonstrated to him (Parent), life as he felt it or wished it or fantasized it (Child), and life as he figures it out by himself (Adult).”
“Restoration of the freedom to change is the goal of treatment. This freedom grows from knowing the truth about what is in the Parent and what is in the Child and how this data feeds into present-day transactions. It also requires the truth, or the evidence, about the world in which he lives.”
“Games are a way of using time for people who cannot bear the stroking starvation of withdrawal and yet whose NOT OKAY position makes the ultimate form of relatedness, intimacy, impossible. Though there is misery, there is something.”
“One of the most neutralizing discoveries for the teen-ager is to find that his parents have a Child, with just as many painful recordings as his own.”
“In psychoanalysis the analyst is the hero. In Transactional Analysis the patient is the hero.”
“Confession without change is a game. This is true whether in a sanctuary, a pastor’s study, or a psychiatrist’s office.”
Who would enjoy this book?
Readers who are looking for a book that explores why they have developed certain deep-seated beliefs about themselves and others and continue to repeat relationship mistakes would likely enjoy I’m OK-You’re OK.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Readers who are looking for a self-help book with a list of strategies or who would be bothered by a book that has not been updated in 50 years are unlikely to enjoy I’m OK-You’re OK.
Conclusion
I’m OK-You’re OK is a thought-provoking and hope-inspiring book on how transactional analysis approaches can improve life and relationships.
