Mindfulness – How to Chill Out and Stop Beating Yourself Up
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Synopsis: Anxious and self-critical thoughts steal joy from life, even from our favorite activities and greatest accomplishments. Practicing mindfulness will result in decreased overall anxiety and help you to be kinder to yourself as you develop the ability to calm your mind and let go of the need to judge yourself for every mistake, real or perceived. This article provides an introduction to mindfulness and includes a free Guided Mindfulness Exercise.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD / 4.12.20; No. 19 / 8 min read
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor, and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post might also contain affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
The many flavors of anxiety
Anxiety has many names, such as stress, fear, panic, and worry. It can be present as a normal emotional response to events in life like work or school, divorce, the death of a loved one, or a global pandemic. In many cases, the emotion of anxiety is healthy and helpful, such as when it spurs us to take care of something we need to do, but anxiety can also easily become a disorder.
When your anxiety gets out of control, you can feel overwhelmed and helpless and it can result in numerous health problems, such as panic attacks, headaches, insomnia, muscle tension, stomachaches, or even more severe problems, such as depression or addiction.
The Inner Critic
In addition to having elevated levels of anxiety, many people have a powerful, out-of-control Inner Critic. The Inner Critic is not a hallucination, but rather is our own inner critical voice that tells us that we are lazy, stupid, ugly, greedy, selfish, and unworthy frauds. It robs us of confidence, joy and satisfaction and it often is not reality-based. The Inner Critic is one of the biggest drivers of feelings of insecurity.
Our self-critical thoughts are a double-edged sword. They can motivate us, drive us to try harder through fear of failure and push us to the limits of our abilities. Many people value being hard on themselves and they may credit part or all of their success to it. However, these same thoughts can make people miserable, anxious insomniacs who are never satisfied and are constantly looking for approval from everyone but themselves. If you have a powerful Inner Critic, there is hope for positive change.
Common themes of the Inner Critic
People can be a bit addicted to their Inner Critic. They might hate the negative comments but worry that if they weren’t hard on themselves, then they would be failures. These internal mental statements may have come from past abuse or have been manufactured by their own minds. Statements that are commonly said by Inner Critics might include:
“You don’t deserve what you have.”
“Someone is going to find out what a fraud you are.”
“You could have done a better job.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“If you don’t try your hardest, you’ll fail.”
“You’re ______ [negative attribute].”
“You should be ______ [doing some other activity you are not currently doing].”
Flowing around chaos with a mind like water
Besides the Inner Critic, there is another common life problem that triggers significant anxiety. It is hard to deal with life when you are disorganized. Disorganization is anxiety-provoking and may undermine your efforts to deal with your anxiety, as you may find yourself moving frantically from one mess to another.
Some people mentally juggle an excessively long to-do list. These anxious thoughts are like putting your brain on a hamster wheel and leave you feeling exhausted. If you struggle with holding all of your important tasks in your mind, you might just need a better method for keeping track of them. Getting Things Done is a book written by David Allen, who provides many helpful GTD strategies for clearing out mental clutter. He proposes that we need to get all of our checklists, to-dos and deadlines out of our minds and into a reliable filing and reminder system. By emptying our minds of the clutter, he argues that we will be free to be more creative and productive and have a “mind like water” that will flow around problems and help us generate better solutions.
Disorganization can also come from our physical environment. Clutter in our homes or offices is mentally distracting and feeds the Inner Critic, who constantly tells you that you are negligent or a slob while you are trying to get other tasks done. The book Spark Joy by Marie Kondo addresses a system for organizing your environment to the level that every item in your home or office has its own physical place (or it is removed).
Dealing with disorganization can significantly help with anxiety, but for many people, it is not enough. Practicing mindfulness exercises is one of the most powerful solutions that you can start today and do for free.
A story about practicing mindfulness
“Josie” was a 27-year-old accountant who performed at a high level in her office. She made good money, had a great relationship with her boyfriend and she was on track to become a partner in her firm. She liked the field of accounting as there was a sense of control and the rules were clear. She paid attention to detail and made few mistakes. However, when she made a mistake, she was very hard on herself. A mistake could upset her for days. She believed that if she just cared enough, she wouldn’t make mistakes and she worried that others would believe she was sloppy, even though audits showed she had the fewest errors in an office of 17 accountants, which included her supervisors. When she made a mistake, she worried she would be fired and it increased her anxiety in other areas of her life. She began to wonder if she was not attractive enough or attentive enough to her boyfriend. When they would sit down together to enjoy a meal, she found herself constantly running mentally through tasks she needed to complete later in the day or the next day.
She started meeting with a therapist who helped her practice mindfulness exercises to lower her overall anxiety and help her be “in the moment” when she was with her boyfriend. To practice mindfulness more often, she downloaded podcasts and followed the cues of the speaker. Over time, she found that she was able to better deal with her Inner Critic. She saw the most benefit from doing mindfulness exercises 10-20 minutes per day but it even helped her to do a brief exercise before a stressful telephone call or meeting. Before the call or meeting, she would take a minute or two to:
Settle in and find a comfortable seated position
Close her eyes, relax her body and take slow, deep breaths that felt cleansing
Focus on her breathing, including the rise and fall of her chest and belly, the sound of her breathing, the movement of air in and out of her nose and the sensation of cool air filling her lungs and warm air leaving her body
She would then intentionally stay focused in that moment, not judging herself if she became distracted, but gently bringing her awareness back to the present moment until she felt calm and ready to get back to work
Mindfulness is a form of meditation
Mindfulness was popularized by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn and is a form of meditation that can be self-directed or guided by another person. It is a process of bringing your attention to one center of focus, thinking about or dwelling on one thing instead of allowing your mind to drift to other topics or concerns. By practicing mindfulness, people can learn to calm their minds. They can learn how to sharpen their focus and block out distracting and unhelpful thoughts, and in doing so, they can learn how not to judge themselves harshly.
Meditation comes in many forms. Some forms of meditation are spiritual and others are not. It can involve sitting still or moving, such as practicing yoga. Some meditation involves focusing on one thing. Other meditation practices can be to focus on nothing at all – to focus on nothing for hours, days or weeks at a time (such as at a retreat). Meditation can scare people, especially those who do not want to be alone with their thoughts. One of the special things about mindfulness exercises is that people can do them on their own, exerting their preference and having a degree of control over the process.
The key elements of mindfulness
There are endless possibilities for mindfulness exercises. You can do them in most situations when you find that your anxiety or negative thoughts are taking over. The key elements of mindfulness exercises are:
Before starting, check in with yourself. How are you feeling? What is your current stress level?
Bring your awareness to one moment or one experience and fully explore and immerse yourself.
Know that you will be distracted by what is going on around you or your regular stresses in your life.
When you notice your mind has wandered, gently bring your awareness back to the exercise. Be kind to yourself as you do so. Getting distracted happens to everyone.
When you are finished, check in with yourself. How are you feeling? What is your current stress level?
Just a few examples of mindfulness exercises include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, autogenic relaxation, and the five senses exercise. The reality is that mindfulness exercises can be done with any activity.
For example, picture yourself getting ready in the morning. Do you really need to run through all your worries or the tasks of the day while you are brushing your teeth in the morning? If so, you may need a better planning system than “I hold everything I need in my head.” What if you could simply focus on brushing your teeth? Hold in your mind for 120 seconds while brushing your teeth the feeling of the bristles on your teeth and gums, the smell of the toothpaste, the sound of the brushing, the taste of the toothpaste, and – with your eyes closed – imagine the bristles touching your teeth and gums. Are you breathing through your nose? Can you picture the air moving in and out of your nose with cool air flowing in and warm air moving out? Were you distracted during that 120 seconds? It’s okay. Gently bring your awareness back to the sound, taste, smell and physical sensation of brushing your teeth.
A free guided mindfulness exercise
My favorite introduction to mindfulness involves the use of the original M&Ms because it works well for kids and adults. The exercise involves holding an M&M candy between your tongue and the roof of your mouth and not eating the candy until the heat of your mouth and saliva cause the shell of the candy to crack. It involves closing your eyes and bringing your awareness to the moment. What do you taste and smell? What is the texture of the candy and the pressure of the candy against your tongue and the roof of your mouth? With your eyes closed, can you visualize the candy inside your mouth? What color M&M did you choose? What is happening to your breathing? Is the shell still intact or has it cracked yet? Are you distracted about things in your life or something in or outside of the room? It’s okay. Gently bring your awareness back to the M&M. What is its taste, texture, and smell? When the shell cracks, tell yourself “good job” and enjoy the candy.
Feel free to play the Guided Mindfulness Exercise below (don’t forget your M&Ms):
What are the benefits of practicing mindfulness?
There are many benefits of practicing mindfulness, including:
Decreasing self-critical thoughts
Improving focus
Lowering overall anxiety
Feeling healthier
Having fewer sad moods
Experiencing less mental fatigue
Decreasing irritability
Improving empathy
Learning to accept yourself more
Feeling mentally organized
Having a greater sense of peace
Experiencing improved energy
What if you could close your eyes and quickly calm your mind and negative thoughts?
One of the hardest parts of dealing with your Inner Critic or overall anxious thoughts is feeling out-of-control and helpless to do anything about it. Imagine being able to calm your mind and quiet your Inner Critic whenever you need to. Practicing mindfulness can lead to an improvement in your mental health and other areas of your life. Think about directing your thoughts to enjoy, relax and be fully present in the various activities in your life. Mindfulness-based exercises can be transformative in your ability to experience pleasure, in your work or school performance and in your relationships. And you can do it for free!
For further reading, check out:
Len’s article “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – the Most Effective Therapy?”
Len’s article “Finding Quality Psychotherapy – Moving Beyond Talk Therapy”
Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by Allen
Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up by Kondo
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