Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 5 out of 10. A book for parents and teachers that covers approaches and strategies for children that do not involve punishment or humiliation.

BY LEN LANTZ, MD / 7.24.2021; No. 42

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Star Rating – 5 out of 10

Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow

Author

Jane Nelson

About the author

Jane Nelson, EdD, is the author of the Positive Discipline series and a co-founder of the Positive Discipline Association, which trains and certifies facilitators in the Positive Discipline approaches.

General description

Positive Discipline, originally written in 1981, is a book for parents and teachers that focuses on relationship-based or humanistic approaches to raising children. The author often cites Dr. Alfred Adler, who developed a form of psychotherapy called Individual Psychology (later termed Adlerian Psychology) and established numerous child guidance clinics in Europe. Dr. Nelson also frequently refers to concepts from Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, a contemporary of Dr. Adler who expanded Adlerian Psychology in the US with a focus on shaping the behavior of children, especially in the classroom environment. Topics covered in this book include the general approaches to Positive Discipline:

• Understanding the “Four Goals of Misbehavior”

• Kindness and firmness at the same time

• Mutual respect

• Viewing mistakes as opportunities to learn

• Social responsibility

• Family and class meetings

• Involving children in problem solving

• Encouragement

Unique and most important aspects

Positive Discipline is a book that provides solid parenting strategies. However, I’m conflicted over how to rate a book that has mostly good strategies but some ideas or language that I disagree with. The author also missed the mark at times with off-putting scenarios. For example, Dr. Nelson wrote, “The next scene takes place in a permissive home, where Mom is training a future anarchist.” Really? Later, the author asserted, “Yes, three-year-old children can scramble eggs.” Where? In a coal mine?

In general, I felt that the author did a nice job showing how parents/teachers and children can interact more respectfully with each other. The majority of the approaches that the author recommends are fine, however, I found that the author’s rhetorical statements and forced generalizations detract from the book. For example, the author stated, “Instead children are given too much in the name of love without any effort or investment on their part and they develop an entitlement attitude.” Important concepts from this book include:

• Positive Time-outs

• The Four Criteria for Effective Discipline

• Boundary setting for healthy relationships

• Collaborative problem solving approaches

• Expressing empathy (and avoiding piggybacking) when kids experience a natural consequence

• How to make an appropriate apology to a child

• The power of curiosity in figuring out the cause of a child’s problem behavior

• How personality traits and parenting styles (what the author calls “lifestyle priorities”) can strengthen or weaken a parent’s effectiveness

Best quotes

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse.”

“Would misbehavior (yours and your child’s) seem different if you saw it as ‘discouraged behavior,’ ‘lack of skills behavior,’ ‘reptilian brain behavior,’ or ‘age-appropriate behavior’?”

“Some parents and teachers seem to think they can disguise a punishment by calling it a logical consequence. However, when I point out that most logical consequences are poorly disguised punishments, they agree.”

Who would enjoy this book?

Readers who are looking for a framework to understand and categorize problems and solutions at home or in a classroom setting would likely enjoy Positive Discipline.

Who would not enjoy this book?

Readers who would be turned off by forced generalizations of parents and parenting styles or occasional rhetoric that is more opinion than fact might not enjoy Positive Discipline.

Conclusion

Positive Discipline is a book for parents and teachers that covers approaches and strategies for children that do not involve punishment or humiliation.

Buy this book at your local, independently-owned bookstore (or below)