Image: Eight Dates by Len Lantz (CC BY-NC-ND)
Synopsis: Len's Star Rating: 10 out of 10. One of the best books on marriage and partnership.
BY LEN LANTZ, MD, author of unJoy / 3.18.2022; No. 82
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a physician, but I’m not your doctor and this article does not create a doctor-patient relationship. This article is for educational purposes and should not be seen as medical advice. You should consult with your physician before you rely on this information. This post also contains affiliate links. Please click this LINK for the full disclaimer.
Star Rating – 10 out of 10
Rating guide: 1 = horrible, 5 = average and 10 = wow
Authors
John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams
About the authors
John Gottman, PhD, is a world-renowned psychologist, best-selling author, researcher, and expert on marital and parent-child relationships. He co-founded the Gottman Institute with his wife, Julie.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, is an award-winning psychologist, couples workshop developer, and author or co-author of five books.
Doug Abrams is an editor, literary agent, president and founder of Idea Architects (book and media company), and author of many bestselling books.
Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, is a celebrated integrative physician and author or co-author of five books.
General description
Eight Dates is a book on marriage and relationships that gets you and your partner to read, think, and then go on a date together. The dates each have a theme and involve answering questions from the book to develop a greater understanding of each other, increase health and vitality in your relationship, and grow closer in the process. Topics covered in this book include:
Background information on compatibility and normal conflicts in relationships
The “eight dates”
Trust and commitment
Addressing conflict
Sex and intimacy
Work and money
Family
Fun and adventure
Growth and spirituality
Dreams
Exercises at the end of each chapter
Questionnaires and inventories
Open-ended questions for the date
Affirmations that you say to each other during the date
Unique and most important aspects
Eight Dates is an excellent book on marriage and relationships that picks up where The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (“7 Principles”) left off. In full disclosure, my wife and I have also enjoyed reading through 7 Principles and doing the exercises. We recently worked through Eight Dates and went on all 8 dates. We had a lot of fun in the process. This book encouraged us to restart our weekly date night, which had been interrupted more than once by the Covid pandemic.
Eight Dates expands on positive elements and leaves out the demoralizing content of 7 Principles by including more enjoyable and exploratory questions for the dates and eliminating data that predicts divorce. Because of this improved approach, Eight Dates has quickly become a resource that I have recommended to my own patients. The reader needs to budget time to benefit from this book, and there are several chapters that you have to get through before the chapter on date #1. Important features of this book include:
Managing conflict rather than avoiding it
Scheduling and honoring date night
Protecting your relationship by creating a “wall around the two of you with an open window between you”
Avoiding “Negative Comps” or fooling yourselves by having the “trappings of commitment”
Building trust vs. building betrayal
Engaging in relationship repair following conflicts
The 6-second kiss
The importance of playing and adventuring together and the role of phenylethylamine (PEA) in creating a natural high
Best quotes
“While the expectations for marriage and partnership have never been higher, and the challenges have never been greater, it isn’t a coin toss. It’s not chance. It’s choice.”
“Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.”
“Because this is for sure: Happily ever after doesn’t mean there are no challenges or conflict. You can’t be in a relationship and not have conflict. Not if you’re doing it right.”
“The positive switch is all about how couples positively interpret their negative events and their partner’s character, and whether in their minds on an everyday basis they maximize the positive and minimize the negative (in their partner and in their relationship).”
“The plain and simple truth is–date nights make relationships.”
“As we mentioned above, the largest study of love on the planet, with 70,000 people in 24 countries, found that in all great relationships, kissing passionately for no reason at all was one universal key to a great sex life.”
“The Love Lab found that successful relationships have a 20 to 1 ratio of positive to negative in all their everyday interactions in the apartment lab.”
Who would enjoy this book?
Readers who are interested in protecting and enhancing their marriage and partnership would likely enjoy Eight Dates.
Who would not enjoy this book?
Readers who do not prepare for and complete the dates are unlikely to enjoy Eight Dates.
Conclusion
Eight Dates is one of the best books on marriage and partnership.